I learned something about myself this past week. Well chances are I’ve always known this about myself but it’s really stood out to me lately because it keeps happening to me and it’s frustrating beyond belief! The fact that it keeps happening and I get no better at seeing it happen isn’t helping either. I tend to constantly put more value on words than actions. The words people say to me, the words people use to write me, I even analyze the choice of words because I tend to chose my words very carefully. I get confused when a person’s actions don’t match their words and in some cases I actually start to wonder if I did something wrong when words and actions aren’t in sync towards me. I used to think that I don’t have a lot of willpower but looking back at some of the excuses that I’ve made up and believed for people that most certainly isn’t the case, I can convince myself to believe pretty much anything I want it to.
The most popular excuse is one that I’ve been telling myself for months now and it’s just one vicious cycle with fluctuations as predictable as a sinusoidal function. It’s the excuse of “so close, just one more step, just one more thing is needed and everything will work out”. I’m helping out at a start up business and I have been using this excuse on myself to essentially keep myself there. 95% of the time things will not be working out the way that they need to work and since we have little control over making them work at this stage it’s a waiting game. Now I’m terrible at the waiting game so I am constantly frustrated and in a really bad mood. I show up to work and it’s a constant reminder that things aren’t working. I have my boss spew “reasoning” as to why things aren’t working as we planned. Sometimes I see through the bullshit reasoning and see them for what they really are: excuses. I had started to realize that I can’t do this anymore, there is too much negativity in my life when I work there, too much frustration, too much external pressure to get a real job and to accept that it’s just not going to work. Then that excuse comes up and I worry that the moment I find another job is the moment that this business will take off, especially when one little thing goes right. I’m worried that I’ll miss the crucial growing stage that I’ve been waiting for the past couple of months. So I keep waiting and waiting and waiting and hoping that each day will be the day the waiting game ends. I actually had to be given a way out by a friend and feel the pressure disappear for me to realize that I really can’t keep doing this to myself anymore, it’s starting to become unhealthy.
The second excuse isn’t as specific as the first but it’s a general umbrella excuse that goes along the lines of “oh, that’s just the way they are and I need to accept that”. I’m generally the type of person that will give, I have trouble taking from a person, collaborating is fine but just taking is hard for me. I even have trouble pulling back from things and applying standards in my life because I’m always giving. Always giving people the benefit of the doubt, making excuses for the behaviors of others (even when it’s mentally and emotionally taxing on myself) and I’m always giving just one more chance when I see the slightest glimmer of hope. I just don’t know when to quit and that excuse keeps giving me a reason to give when I really shouldn’t be.
On the bright side upon realizing the constant use of these excuses in my life I have discovered how to stop letting them pop up as a reflex in my brain. I need someone who knows the inner workings of my thought processes just as well as I know them myself to cut it out and remind me that I deserve better in my life than what I’m settling for. I’m hoping that by writing this all out, I’ll become more aware these excuses in my life and learn how to stop myself before I get in too deep.
Until next time,