Author Archives: selinad

2am ramblings…

It’s currently 2am. I haven’t written here in 7 months apparently and funny enough I hadn’t really noticed until now. Honestly there isn’t really much direction, forethought and purpose to this post except for the fact that I feel compelled to write this right now at this very moment and post it for the world to see. I get like this sometimes. This random desire to write and put it out on the page and get the thoughts out of my brain. The impulse generally doesn’t make sense but I go with it. I figure why not, it’s not like I should be doing anything like sleeping at this hour anyway. No, I’m not nocturnal, my schedule is just offset from the typical diurnal person. In my mind work has to be the first thing of the day, but when the work day starts at noon or 1 in the afternoon, one tends to wake up later in the day, stay up later at night and then it just kind of happens over and over and then you can’t sleep at 2 am and it just ends up being the new normal.

Now my brain is indecisive and can’t quite decide if it should follow “Thought A” or “Thought B” for the rest of this post because this is what happens when there is no forethought to this whole blogging thing. I’ll make this easy and follow both because neither is formed well enough to actually be substantial.

Thought A: I read somewhere that the average daydream lasts about 14 seconds and we have several thousands of them a day. I noticed that every now and then I get one that sticks to my brain and I just play the same 14 seconds over and over again before realizing it and then I consciously start to add bits to the beginning and ending just to give it more substance. It will stick with me for days, sometimes even weeks or months and then I’ll randomly forget about it. That is until I begin to wonder what I normally think about all day and suddenly realize I just don’t care for the elaborate story that I created in my head and I wait for the next one to get stuck in my brain. I realized this when I tried to actually write a short story on one of them and failed because I just stopped thinking about it (I got like one scene in and it was like at the middle of the beginning. I’m still debating if it can stand alone as a very, very short story but have no idea).

I see this every time I glance  at my iPod and I think it's starting to sink in again.

I see this every time I glance at my iPod and I think it’s starting to sink in again.

Thought B: This one is apparently hard for my brain to come up with a comprehensive explanation at this point in time. I know it has to do with the quote in the picture. It’s slightly strange because I feel like I’ve grown back into a person I used to be (who embodied that quote quite thoroughly) when in theory we’re always supposed to be changing and evolving forwards yet going backwards seems to be working well for me right now. If that made sense to you, most excellent. If not, I’m going to blame it on the fact that it’s almost 3am so I should stop before I have to change the title of this to 3am ramblings.

Now if you read this and come back looking for it and it’s disappeared, that would be me wondering what I was thinking and destroying all evidence that this every happened. Happy times!

Until next time,

Selina

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It’s about time

I remember when I graduated from university I was so burnt out, the idea of having to learn something new was the biggest chore in my life. Now, almost a year after finishing my university classes, I’m suddenly not so repelled by the idea of having to learn something. In fact I’m actually excited and looking forward to learning new things. I’m finding that I finally have the curiosity to pick up the sociology books, memoirs and biographies to read to learn something. The fact that I’m reading again is already tremendous progress.

My favorite recent realization is that I’m excited to learn, I want to learn and I look forward to learning something new. This is good.

Intelligence quote

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“It’s J.D!”

I discovered something equally exciting and terrifying today while browsing google. They are planning on turning one of my favorite books into a movie. Sloppy Firsts is the first in a a series of 5 books (the Jessica Darling series) by Megan McCafferty that I had the fortune to stumble upon probably close to a decade ago while browsing the library. It’s a series that I actually own (and I don’t own many) because when I need to delve into Jessica Darling’s world absolutely nothing else will do.

The Jessica Darling series

While I’m hesitantly looking forward to this page to screen transformation I’m really worried about it for a few reasons like:

1. I have no idea how they’re going to turn a book of journal entries into a movie. Granted I didn’t know how they’d turn Life of Pi into a movie when I read the book and they did a phenomenal job. I also saw The Golden Compass be mutilated and I haven’t been able to look at that book the same way since the film was released. I don’t want Jessica’s story to be completely destroyed.

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Valentine’s musings

Yes, it is a little late for valentines posts but I’m doing one anyway. Between episodes of The Simpsons, Modern Family and a viewing of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, I spent time wondering if I’ve actually learned anything from being single all these years. I started flipping through my old notebooks and I realized that at one point I actually learned a very valuable lesson. I’ve just found so many sources of frustration in my life lately that I’ve pretty much forgotten that lesson entirely.

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Young and free

Over the past 2 weeks, I have found myself saying “what is wrong with me” multiple times to myself. Not because I’ve gone and repeated a mistake I should have really learned from the first time but because I’ve been busy rediscovering old passions. Some of these things I don’t even know why I stopped doing and some just triggered some amazing memories and feelings of freedom coupled with a sense of everything being right in the world.

I laced up my runners and started running again this month. I didn’t even know that I enjoyed going for runs all that much I just realized that my endurance was absolutely terrible during quidditch practice and figured I should probably work on that for upcoming tournaments. I used to run often in September after I returned from Nevada, at first it was because it was weird not hiking 6 km everyday like I was used to and then it turned into a productive way to get rid of a lot of excess energy and had slowly morphed into my go to thing when I was bored and the sun was shining. An excuse to get out into the sunshine and out of my head, I would always return home with a clear head which helped me get perspective on things a lot faster. My first run in 4 months was a painful one. My legs remembered the habit and embraced the motion but the rest of my body wasn’t too pleased with what I was doing, but I powered through and I’m hoping that the act of running starts feeling more natural as I get back into it.

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Excuses, excuses, excuses

I learned something about myself this past week. Well chances are I’ve always known this about myself but it’s really stood out to me lately because it keeps happening to me and it’s frustrating beyond belief! The fact that it keeps happening and I get no better at seeing it happen isn’t helping either. I tend to constantly put more value on words than actions. The words people say to me, the words people use to write me, I even analyze the choice of words because I tend to chose my words very carefully. I get confused when a person’s actions don’t match their words and in some cases I actually start to wonder if I did something wrong when words and actions aren’t in sync towards me. I used to think that I don’t have a lot of willpower but looking back at some of the excuses that I’ve made up and believed for people that most certainly isn’t the case, I can convince myself to believe pretty much anything I want it to.

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Mid-January already?

Wow the past 2 weeks have felt like a bit of an emotional roller coaster and as a result, I’m sitting here wondering what exactly is going on sifting through confusion.

Started off by catching a cold right when I thought I had survived whatever was infecting the rest of my family, a week after everyone is well, I come down with a cold. Granted it was nowhere near as bad as what the rest of my family experienced but it was enough to confine me to the house for 3 days. Luckily I got over it quickly so I could go back to helping out at the start up business I’m working at to make sure we met our weekly supply demands.

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2015 ready

The past week, I’ve been hearing a lot about the top something or another of 2014 so I decided it was time for me to start thinking about my new year tradition. On January 1st, I give myself a good chunk of time to write in my journal. I take some time and think about the bigger things that I’ve accomplished in the past year and wonder at what I could do in the coming year. I start by going through the list that I created at the start of the current year and I go through it.

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Learning how to feel loved

I noticed something interesting this past week as I spent time with my family as they took time off for the holidays. I know they mean well, making the effort to take time off of work and planning a dinner to get the family together while we sit, eat and catch up with each other’s lives. One would expect that atmosphere to foster a loving and caring environment when in reality all it did for me was sap me of the little energy I had left which just made me tired and grumpy.

I was able to minimize all of my interactions Saturday night and all day Sunday, giving myself a chance to boost my energy as in I sat in my room with the radio on and spent hours cross stitching. Now that my energy boosting retreat is at it’s end, I’ve actually been able to think about why the actions that my family consider to be showing love doesn’t come across as love to me.

5 love languages

I started by recalling what I had learned in a class I had taken during my last semester of school, the instructor had spent a good chunk of time discussing an idea called the 5 love languages. This suggests that there are 5 basic ways in which people feel love and that different people are more receptive to different ways of showing love. I started by trying to recall which of the love languages were my most dominant so I ended up retaking the love language profiling test at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. My profile was surprisingly accurate with the ranking of my different love languages. Both physical touch and quality time tied for being my dominant love language by a long shot. Words of affirmation ranked slightly higher than acts of service and receiving gifts both of which tied for being my weakest love languages. With this knowledge, I delved in to see in which languages my family speak love.

5-love-languages-e1400095880920

Physical touch: there were the hugs that are mandatory so that the appropriate kiss on each cheek can be done. No one really wants to do it but it’s expected of us so we do it anyway and I don’t particularly enjoy it. I’ll admit I can also be picky about who I actually let touch me in general. I only actively look for hugs from people who I’m very comfortable with because when I get/give a good hug I tend to let myself be vulnerable for that moment. I don’t like feeling vulnerable, especially in front of my family so I’m preventing myself from feeling love from them through physical touch.

Quality time: there was a family dinner, ten of us got together at our favorite restaurant and spent two hours eating and talking. So yes there was quality time in general but I really don’t do well in groups of more than 3 people. I can thrive one on one (as long as the other person helps keep the conversation going). Most of the time I can do well with 3 people, I can even do well with 4 people if I get along really well with all of them (if not I tend to just fade into the background and just listen). It’s too much for me to have to interact in a group of 10 people so I tend to just listen and people watch.

Words of affirmation: definite no. I’m actually getting a lot of discouraging and disappointing words from the majority of my family. Words of affirmation don’t exist.

Acts of service: my parents are providing the basic necessities of housing and food at the moment so I suppose they are doing me an act of service. I would really love to be out on my own but since that isn’t currently feasible for me, it’s something I’d rather not have to accept in my life but I do anyway.

Receiving gifts: I got a bag of chocolates and lottery tickets from my aunt (I totally ended up winning $11, it was exciting times). This one seems to be the favorite way to show love from my family as they’re always trying to give me things, trying to look after me. So this is how my family shows love, through giving me gifts. It’s no wonder I tend to feel unloved by the family, they are speaking the love language that is one of my weakest languages.

The biggest thing I learned from all of this is that I need to make more of an effort to understand that when my family is giving me something, it’s how they’re showing me love and that they care. I need to start appreciating the gesture and the effort behind the giving of the gift so that I can start feeling love from them. We shall see how it goes.

Until next time,

Selina

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4 months later…

This one's not mine! comics-Fredo-and-Pidjin-time-machine-future-927128

This one’s not mine!
(comics-Fredo-and-Pidjin-time-machine-future-927128)

It’s been just over 4 months since I’ve updated this blog so what crazy adventure took over my life that has completely taken me away from this space? Surprisingly, nothing. Since my last update, things have been pretty static with me and no dramatic changes in my life but nothing ever stays completely the same in life so of course there have been a few changes. I’ll highlight the big ones just in case you’re curious as to what I’ve gotten up to the past little bit.

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